There are always those people in our lives, who we just know, will always be around. No matter what. For better or worse.
And that’s a problem for me.
I am known to excise people from my life with astonishing frequency and speed. I moved a lot and subsequently changed schools often, so I had to learn how to deal with it. All it takes is for me not to see you. I suppose that’s any friendship for most people. But I do it with little remorse and emotion. If I no longer find you interesting, you’re gone. I don’t see you anymore? Forget about it. No good reason other than I’m done? Goodbye. Even with Facebook, and Twitter, and texting — in our connected world that’s becoming smaller each day — I’ll party with you one day, the next, I may never talk to you again.
But there are those people that I just can’t seem to get rid of. Hold on, hold on. I’m not actively trying to excise anyone at this point. I’m good with all my friends right now.
That, and I have so few these days, that if I cut anymore threads, I’ll be, as the Reddit saying goes, forever alone. I tend to be a loner and value, highly, my personal alone time. But that doesn’t mean I want to be the proverbial mountain hermit. There’s a reason why I still have a Facebook, even though I hate it so. To stay connected to the social circle. There’s a reason why I have a Twitter; so it’ll seem like someone out there cares. There’s a reason why I still touch this blog; maybe someone will read it.
But cutting so many people off or even letting friendships attrition leaves me with relationships, that sometimes, I’m not sure are healthy or even what I want. I’m very passive with my friendships. It’s uncommon for me to initiate conversation or even plan an event. I’ve always been of the mentality, “you want to be my friend, therefore, you should put in at least 80% of the work, and I’ll do the rest.”
So long as those people keep me around, want me to be around, I’ll be there. However, when the day comes that you stop trying, well, it’s been fun. Sayonara.
When I was a kid in school, everyone wanted to be my friend. For no good reason that I have ever ascertained. On the playgrounds, kids want to play with me. In middle school, everyone knew me. Even kids a grade higher than me, would say “Hey Giles!” to me. I didn’t know who these people were. I was on good terms with the “popular kids,” but I didn’t run in their circles. High school was the same way, although it started slower. But by graduation, I knew a good chunk of my class and they knew me. I was pretty active in high school though. Even in college, at least at UIC, people just seemed attracted to me and knew who I was. Probably because I was over 21 in the dorms and could by booze. But whatever, they would talk to me at parties or at the bus stops, but I didn’t even know their names.
I don’t say all this because I’m trying to be snobby. I say this because it actually affects me now. I don’t know how to make friends. I can’t just strike up conversation with a random person. At least when I’m not drinking. Which of course is a huge problem. I found that out when I went to a Kappa Pi Beta fraternity party at another college a couple hours away. I drank and I talked with all sorts of people. The next day, on the drive back, I was silent. No clue what to say or talk about.
So here I am, with the few friendships I have left, yearning for something new, something different. Yet I don’t know how to reach out and get it. There’s a wall around me. A walled garden, that I can’t escape.
Again, I am happy, for the most part, with the friendships that remain. But I just wish it was different. I need to hurry up, too, and make this happen. I’m not getting any younger (not that I’m an old man or anything), and it seems to be getting harder.
Forever alone? I sure hope not.
/whining
