A Declaration of Me.

I am an adult. I am a man. I am a shorty. I am Asian. I am Filipino. I am American. I am Catholic. I am a non-believer. I am a college student. I am an engineer. I am a scientist. I am a technophile. I am a gadget freak. I am a computer geek. I am complicated. I am sophisticated. I am elegant. I am mysterious. I am modern. I am an artist. I am a musician. I am imaginative. I am limitless. I am deep. I am awake. I am asleep. I am a dreamer. I am a realist. I am a surrealist. I am a hopeless romantic. I am caring. I am a lover. I am cautious. I am walled off. I am a secret. I am willing to tell. I am a listener. I am an advice-giver. I am a psychiatrist. I am a patient. I am patient. I am impatient. I am a procrastinator. I am lazy. I am a cheater. I am a hard-worker. I am ambitious. I am demanding. I am a risk-taker. I am risk-averse. I am financially savvy. I am debt-ridden. I am rich. I am poor. I am upper middle class. I am a politico. I am Liberal. I am Progressive. I am a Democrat. I am a partier. I am a drinker. I am a Bacardi and a Coke. I am a dancer. I am ninja-ballerina. I am fun. I am calm and relaxed. I am a coffee addict. I am a Grande Café Vanilla Frappuccino. I am nervous. I am excited. I am scared. I am sad. I am lonely. I am self-conscious. I am wise. I am dumb. I am smart. I am foolish. I am horny. I am sexy. I am suave. I am polite. I am not always nice. I am happy. I am loved. I am blue, black, and purple. I am black, white, and gray. I am a believer in the green light. I am Jay Gatsby. I am uncertain. I am remembering the past. I am living the present. I am ready for the future. I am not who you think I am. I am not who you want me to be. I am me. I am the one and only. I am Giles Rafol.

I am Giles Rafol

Yo-yo’s, Roller Coasters, Sine/Cosine Waves, and Me…

…All have something in common. There’s a certain repetitive motion in a certain dimension or orientation in space that the first three objects perform.  The motion generally occurs in the Y-plane over time (or the X-plane).  A crescendo and decresendo.  An up and a down. I suppose it’s that whole “what goes up must go down” thing.

Such is my life. I’m sorry I sound so goddamn Emo.  I never intended my life to be this way.  I never intended this semester to be this way.  However, life happens. Unfortunately, so does death.  A friend of a friend lost someone very dear to her; someone she might have spent the rest of her life with.  And it had an effect on my friend; someone very dear to me.  And in turn, it had effect on me.  While I am in no way saying what I’m feeling is somehow worse than the loss of a loved one — what she is feeling is magnitudes worse than anything —  the feelings of crashing down after cruising along at such a high are in the direction of losing a loved one (this sounds like physics).

Even now, I’m like a fast moving Sine wave.  I’m drinking right now — Bacardi and Coke, God, I how I love thee — and I keep rubberbanding between ups and downs. I drink to relax, but when I relax, my guard is down, and when my guard is down, I’m flooded with emotions and, therefore, must drink some more to relax, only to repeat.  A never-ending Crescendo and Decrescendo.  

It’s funny, really. I told my counselor that I had been doing well; that everything was fine or as fine as it would ever be.  But once again, the feeling was short-lived.  It wasn’t her fault. It’s just life, after all.  But because she has such command over me, the effect is still felt.

*Sigh*

One of these  days, I’ll stop posting this Emo dribble.  I thought it was going to be soon; I was even gearing up for something about the Inauguration. But, alas, it was too good to be true.

Oh well, off to the bars I go.

525,600 Minutes…A review and reflection on 2008

Yes, it’s that time again to look back on the last 525,600 minutes, AKA the last year. Oh 2008, what an…interesting…year you’ve been. As I sit here in the Hilton Chicago with my friend Jenessa and my other friend Gancia Asti Spumante, before we go head to Navy Pier for perhaps some more drunken revelry, I am taking a moment to look back on 2008th year of our Lord…or something like that.

From the very beginning, I knew this would be a special year. It all started with a rather tame (compared to the last party of 2007, haha) party that ushered in 2008. I celebrated my 21st birthday in a rather relaxed style. Eventually, I did take my first Spring Break trip of college (to the cold, wintry of depths of my once-again hometown of Chicago). From there, I finished up my final semester of Community College (MCCKC!) and finally managed to fucking pass Calculus 2. I watched a very good friend (my then girlfriend) graduate from high school in the spring. From there, the summer brought me to the “Big Easy” city of New Orleans – which was the start of my drunken escapades…one too many hurricanes and margaritas – and onward to my family reunion in Las Vegas – where I spent too much money at my first strip club.

As I returned, I began my college preparations. And I mean the preparations to move out finally. At the same time, my relationship began to unravel and I experienced the first real crisis since my problems at UMKC. The next few weeks after would be rather disastrous, but thanks to my new-found friends at UIC, I was able to overcome the situation overall. Tattoo and piercing parlors at midnight to the crazy frat parties to the dorm parties would rule my life from then on out. Interspersed were strange and sad encounters.

Coming back home for Thanksgiving proved to be too much, but coming home for Christmas was fine. Reconnecting with old friends and letting some fall by the wayside.  And now I end up here, back in the Hilton in Chicago (at this point after half-a-bottle of Asti and four Bacardi and Cokes, not too mention whatever else I’ll have from here til past midnight), celebrating the end of 2008 and the beginning of 2009.

It’s been quite a year. If anything, I’d sum it up as a year of change. The Beginning was the End and the End was the Beginning. Nothing stayed the same. Friendships lost, friendships gained. Uncertainty around every corner. I also learned much about myself and realized who I am and what I want (or don’t want).

2009, however, I want to be different. I want it to be next chapter in my life. I want to take life by the reigns and just have at it. This is my year (it would have been the year I graduated had everything gone as planned). I’m going to let go of the old and welcome the new. This is the year I take my life back. This is the year I finally take hold of what I want. This is 2009, a whole year of promise, yet a whole year of uncertainty.

So to 2008, it was fun, but I bid you adieu; Good Riddance even. And to 2009, come to me; be mine. Give me everything you have and I’ll give you everything I’ve got just the same.

To everyone, Happy New Year’s. Have a great 2009 and I’ll do the same.

–

Oh and our course, I can’t forget my New Year’s Resolutions! I resolve to…

1. Go the gym at least 3 times a week — At the dorm, I can see the damn thing across the courtyard!
2. Go to class like I’m supposed to…at least 90% of the time.  Hey, I gotta start small, right?
3. Stop spending so much money and actually pay off my credit cards!
4. Be more social and expand my horizons.  AKA meet people who can go to the bars with me!
5. Cutback on the drinking…It’s causing me to gain too much weight, anyway.
6. Stop smoking altogether — I only smoke when I get pretty tipsy or straight-up drunk. Either way, it’s gross.
7. “Find another you.”  Basically, find someone new to maybe kiss on…OK, call my girlfriend.
8. Get through Calculus 2.

I think that covers all the bases.  Wish me luck!

A Christmas Quandary

Ah, Christmas…The time of giving and receiving and all that fun stuff.  It’s been an interesting break, to say the least.  Amidst all the partying (I’m up to two so far within one week – including one of my very own), working, hanging out with old friends, I’ve had a chance to hang out and talk with her a lot more than usual.  I guess I could say, there haven’t been any “distractions” as of late (the main one is about eight hours away…does that make me a bad person?) which gives me time to reconnect here a bit here and there.

Already, words have been said and some pretty minor – yet always significant – actions done.  So maybe we might have gone on a date and maybe we had a little reminiscent talk/crying session.  And maybe we danced a little close and kissed a little…we were drunk, whatever.  Either way, it’s been filled with ups and downs.  Climbing up as we started hanging out last week, crashing down as the words and tears surrounded us, recovering and moving upward as we partied, and slipping a little as we did something we probably shouldn’t have.  Currently, we’re probably on the upswing, just talking and texting with general flirting going on.  I did see her at a little holiday get-together last night.  I think we both tried to fake each other out and tell each other we weren’t going, just so we could secretly go without worrying about the other’s presence.  Just my opinion.  I thought it was kinda funny, to be honest.

There are still little things I read into that I probably shouldn’t read into.  I just have to remember, though, that this isn’t real.  I mean, it is real, obviously – it’s not the Matrix or whatever.  What I’m saying is that this is simply a one month getaway for the both of us.  However, at the same time, I feel that this may be my last opportunity for anything.  What “anything” is, I have no clue.  I flip-flop back and forth with this.  Seriously, what the hell is it that I want?  I want her, don’t I?  Of course I do…Hmm…

Quite a confounding Christmas quandary…

Choosing Between Realities

So the scenario that had been playing out in my head for the last week or so finally came true last night.  I’ll be honest, I felt that it was going to happen, I just didn’t really realize how soon.  I knew the two of us being home (in Kansas City) would probably cause some trouble for us.  And it did last night.  It wasn’t like we fooled around or anything; it was just talking about things that probably shouldn’t be talked about – at least not with each other.  Lots of tears; it was an opening of a floodgate.  I had worked so hard to lock everything down, too, after Thanksgiving.

Unfortunately, there’s three players now, which complicates everything and puts the two of us in an awkward (understatement) situatation.  I don’t know what to do, nor if I’m supposed to do anything.  It’s all out in the open now; the chains and locks having fallen by the wayside as lock by lock was broken open or unlocked with the key that is Kansas City.

But that’s the problem; this is Kansas City, not Chicago.  The reality here is not the reality that we live in normally.  The present and the future are in Chicago, not Kansas City.  Remember, this is the place that time forgot.  Only now that we’re back is time finally catching up.  It’s taking a while, as evidenced early this morning in the driveway of her house, but slowly, it’s catching up.

Do I want to go back to those days? Yes, I would give everything to go back to those days.  I admit it publically: I’m not over yet (then again, neither is she entirely).  Am I afraid, however, that this is only an effect of the reality that is Kansas City? Yes, very much so.  I’m afraid that if anything happened here, it would be shortlived and forgotten when it’s time to go back to our reality, our real lives back home (Chicago).  And that is not something I could handle again.  I can’t lose her again; not this soon.

I thought I had this all under control, but I guess it was wrong.  As always, it’s never been my choice – it’s always been her’s.  From the very beginning, she chose me.  In the end, she chose to leave me.  And after it was  all supposedly “said and done,” she’s still choosing to keep the emotions and memories unchained.

Then again…

…I’m still choosing to love her.

“Home” Sweet “Home”

I arrived back in Chicago yesterday afternoon after a relaxing seven-hour train ride (I slept through at least half of it).  Getting on the train was a problem as AMTRAK made me buy another ticket. See, when I was going home to Kansas City, my second ticket from KC to CHI didn’t print out. In a hurry, I thought I would just get my ticket in KC. Apparently, AMTRAK thought differently and they couldn’t print the ticket unless I purchased another one. Totally ridiculous.

Anyway, I’m getting sidetracked.  It’s nice to be “home” again.  Yes, this technically isn’t my home, but it’s where I’ve been living for the past 4 months and is where all my friends are.  Yes, I have friends back home – good friends they are, but the ones here are more like me.  Let’s not forget the city either.  Kansas City is nothing compared to Chicago.  I can walk around Chicago and find something do within a half-hour, maybe less. In KC, I have to drive around to find something and it may take forever to find it, if at all.

Besides, Chicago is better able to satiate this problem I have: “Social Dependency.”  Social Dependency is where you almost always have to have people around, even if you’re not talking to them. You just need to surround yourself with people you know.  I’ve developed this problem a few months ago; I’ll let you take a guess exactly when.  Living in the dorms, there’s always someone around to hang out with or whatever.  It’s rare to be lonely here.  Constantly distracted by school, people, places, and etc. leaves little time for loneliness (well, there is a different kind of loneliness that regular friends can’t satisfy).

I think that’s what “unlocked” everything back home in Kansas City.  With no distractions, my mind let everything surface again.  When I was with people, it was no problem; lots of fun.  But to be alone for hours at a time, driving around aimlessly or even just staying at home, was simply too much to handle.  Especially since time – or to be more accurate, I, myself – forgot Kansas City, I wasn’t prepared to deal with the memories of the last few years.

As soon as the train left KC Union Station, I felt so relieved; I felt like I had control again. Not too mention, I had a friend with me: her. So that helped to fix the Social Dependency.  I’m still in the process of locking everything down/away again, but overall I’m doing fine again. Right now, just sitting here in the lounge, typing away as my friends are playing Super Smash Brother Brawl, is quite comforting.

At the same time, I imagine that these guys will only tide me over for so long before I need something more to fill the void.  There are definitely perks to being single, but I’m not using the situation to it’s full advantage.  No, I do not mean random sex.  But you understand what I’m getting at, I’m sure.

Either way, I’m back home.  There’s that saying that home is where the heart is, and it’s right here in Chicago.

The “Divorce”

I feel like I just got divorced after two to three month of separation. We went to the clerk, divided the property, and signed some papers. It’s legally over now. OK, so I was never married to begin with; I’m actually talking about going to the Verizon Wireless store to separate our phone lines. She jumped onto her family’s plan and I downgraded to an individual line (yet, the cost is still the same).

That one shared plan seemed like the last thing tying us together. Now that’s it gone, it feels like everything is finalized; set in stone. The physicality was severed a long time ago. The romantic love was next. Now, any legal constraints are gone. Yes, there’s still a friendship; but that’s all that’s left.

Afterwards, I drove around aimlessly until my appointment with my boss and our web-design contractor. I was pretty depressed and almost started crying in the car. It didn’t help that I had Kanye West’s latest album, “808s & Heartbreaks,” playing. Being back again is letting all the old memories escape. I chained them down and locked many away, but apparently Kansas City is the key to all of it. Another reason to add to the list as to why I hate Kansas City, I suppose.

I was doing so well, too. I thought I was really over her. Maybe it’s just this place that’s making me all nostalgic and down. I don’t like being here anymore; I want to go back to Chicago. Ironically, two months ago, I said the exact opposite: I didn’t want to be in Chicago anymore; rather I wanted to be here. Unfortunately, I can’t go back until Sunday, and I have to go back with her. Two divorcees riding the train together; how exciting.

I don’t know how I’m going to do it when we come back home for the winter break. This is only a three-day trip and what happens? I get “divorced” and can barely deal with it. I can’t even begin to imagine what a whole month is going to do to me.

*Sigh* Well, one day at a time, right? One more full day here and then I can go back. Yeah, just one more day…one more day…

The Room that Time Forgot

I arrived back in Kansas City a couple of hours ago after a rather relaxing (and a bit awkward) seven hour train ride. This isn’t my first time back in Kansas City since I moved to Chicago, as I came back maybe two months ago. Even though it was an escape from the “nightmare” of Chicago, it was still very hard seeing old haunts and stomping grounds back then because I was still in love with her.

Today, I’m not so much in love with her (I don’t think). Because of that, it’s a little ironic and funny to see my room how I left it back in August. There are still collages and pictures of us on the walls; a 3-D glass picture of the two of us kissing; two old boutonnieres from high school dances long ago; even drool-stained pillows, as gross as that sounds – I’m sure it’s from two people who used to sleep in that bed quite often. Seeing it was like going back in time or just standing in a room unmolested by time. In Chicago, so much changed and is still changing, but here in this room, it’s still August. I imagine there’s another room, one town over, that time left unscathed, as well.

However, I can’t bring myself to take it all down and put it away. I tried with one of the collages three times; it’s still on the wall. There’s history here and I don’t want it to go away. Maybe I wish it was still August. I suppose this is my confirmation to myself that I’m not completely over her. *Sigh*

But maybe my reason for not taking the memories down is the same reason why she hasn’t taken them down in her dorm room. It’s a conundrum to me, to be honest. Yet at the same time, I’m too afraid to ask for fear of hearing a different answer. I don’t understand the fear and I wish it would go away. I sometimes wish it would all just go away already. Sometimes.

In time, this place, this room, will synchronize with Chicago. For now, however, I’ll leave it undisturbed and untainted, just as time has done, for no man can overcome time.

Epilogue: Lessons Learned

So what’s the lesson I’ve learned? I suppose it’s that you can’t make someone love you. I never thought I’d actually be in the situation where the person I loved no longer loved me. It’s quite a depressing feeling. But in the end, I’m stronger than I was before. I’ve learned how to cope with it all; maybe next time, it won’t be so bad.

While I may no longer love Lauren in that aspect (or at least it doesn’t seem like I do), I still love her in another. I love this woman in the way that friends love each other. If she’s sick, I still want to be there to care for her. If she needs help, I’m still always there for her. Lauren is still a very important person in my life and I’ll never forget her or leave her hanging. We had a good run, but that doesn’t mean it’s over. The story doesn’t end here. Sure, the first book ended, but now we’re starting the next one. So maybe it won’t be as exciting and passionate and romantic as the last, but it’ll still be full of fun times. Already, we have some of those: The trip to the Chicago Multicultural Center, getting drunk on her birthday, and clubbing. This time, there are some more realistic, down-to-earth events as well: that one time when she was mad at me because I asked her if she ever cheated on me or the time where I was depressed after the club because I saw her dance with someone else. And perhaps, there will still be some “interesting” times, just like these: making her birthday matter when others didn’t really seem to care – the flowers and the massage package – and that one infamous night in history at the Obama Election-night Rally in Grant Park where there was a “throwback” to times past.

These are the stories that define our new relationship, this new, yet familiar, friendship that we share. We’re not like other friends; there is definitely something different about the way we act together. But that’s just who we are and what we do. We’re the type of people who can have stupid online conversations at midnight for hours on end, go to a mall and take goofy pictures, sit down and a have deep and meaningful conversation over coffee, or enjoy a good slice of pizza and reminisce about the old days.

Will it be more work to maintain this relationship? Of course it will be, and already we’ve had our share of hardships. That’s the point, though; a friendship is only worth the amount of time and effort put into it. And so far, it seems that both of us are willing to invest time and effort. We’re willing to work things out and talk about our differences and problems.

We may have ended one part of our relationship, but the basis – the friendship – continues on. I can’t say for a fact whether we’ll grow apart or not. We’re both different people now and we live very different and separate lives. From what I’ve gathered from my other friendships, we probably will eventually. But I’ll worry about that when that time comes. Besides, I’m confident that what we have is one of those strong, enduring relationships that can always be picked up again after a lapse in time.

And who knows, maybe one day, we will get back together. I don’t know. But that’s for the future to decide, not me. All I know is that Lauren and I, we’re pizza and coffee people and that’s enough to keep us together.

Culmination – The Final Addendum

To begin, I was quite amazed with myself yesterday morning when I reread my previous note. Why? I was pretty drunk when I wrote that and managed to use the word “denouement.” Seriously, I don’t even know the last time I’ve seen/heard/used that word. But I digress.

You may understand what the previous note meant. If you don’t, you’ll see soon enough. The picture is complete. I’ve come around full circle. I’ve seen it all, I’ve felt it all. After analyzing all the perspectives, trying to understand it all, I finally got it.

At this point, I’ve done all I can. I don’t really care that much anymore. It’s quite a strange feeling, one that a certain someone once me told about, but one that I never actually understood until now. My mind says, “No, it’s not time yet.” But something else within me says “Giles, you’re ready; let go.” Once again, ideas and feelings in conflict. This time, however, I know which side is right. There is no second-guessing it. Something happened yesterday, a feeling I hadn’t felt in a long time. Unfortunately, circumstances prevent me from pursuing such a course; but the fact that I wanted to says it all.

On our journey through life, we learn many lessons not taught in school. One of them is learning when it’s time to give up; when to stop “chasing pavements even if it leads nowhere.” It’s an ironic and contradictory lesson since we are often told when we’re young to never give up on our dreams and hopes. But that’s just it: while some dreams and hopes become reality, there are others that simply stay dreams – they’re not meant to become anything more. When we finally realize that, it’s easier to move on and focus our attentions on those dreams and hopes which can become reality. That’s what I’m doing today.

(Hmm, actually I think some clarification is in order. It’s not to say that I’m closing the door forever; It’s that I’ve finally realized that some dreams are not as attainable or realistic as others and therefore do not warrant as much attention and effort. )

So with all this, does this mean I’ve finally reached a total sense of peace? Not necessarily. Like I said, there is a tiny part of me that hasn’t let go completely. Also, much of me is still wanting and missing what was lost; there is still longing for something more. But the awareness that some dreams are simply nothing more has brought on a sense of stability and calm that I haven’t felt in a long time.

As always, I am unsure of what the future has in store for me. I no longer have any preconceived notions of what lies ahead. Perhaps it’s better this way, to live life one day at a time, rather than to live a “reality” built on false expectations. Is this the whole “Lower expectations equals less pain” argument? I don’t really know. Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. At this point, I don’t really care.

All I know is that I’m ready to move on; I’m waiting for the next challenge; I’m ready to li(o)ve again.